I thought this week we’d bring out our inner child and sample a couple of frozen food dinners made especially for children. My level of maturity was somewhat stunted around 16-years-old, so this isn’t much of a stretch for me!
The Meals
The two meals I selected were the Kid Cuisine Carnival Mini Corn Dogs and The Co-Pilot Chicken Breast Nuggets.
Some Things That Disturbed Me On The Front Of The Boxes
1. There’s way too much emphasis on the fudge brownie. They have a glowing icon next to it and an exclamation point and the fucking thing doesn’t even have frosting on it. Sheesh! 2. Turkey Franks? I want my mini corn dogs made from real hot dogs made with chicken lips and hog intestines, goddammit! 3. I have no idea why this is named a “Co-Pilot” dinner, I don’t even have a wise-ass comment about it, it just doesn’t make sense to me and anyone who has sense that falls into the common category. I also don’t get what a BB8 is and what the fuck is a “Battle Cookie?” 4. Why is there a member of ZZ Top in the corner of the box? Millennials probably don’t even remember them, much less a child!
Pain In The Ass Preperation
Check out the directions for both meals, you have to take some items out and put them back in later, really looks like a pain in the ass.
And It Was
And it was. And what about the dessert items? The instructions never say to put them back in to be microwaved, what, we’re supposed to eat them frozen? I started microwaving and looked a little closer at the brownie.
A Closer Look At The Brownie
I love how it says that it “may contain” certain ingredients. What, they don’t know what the fuck is in their own brownies that they over emphasized on the front of the box? And what’s up with tree nuts? I realize only people that are well beyond their childhood will get this reference, but I thought this meal was geared for children and not Euell Gibbons!
And While We’re On The Subject Of The Desserts In These Dinners...
What the fuck are Battle Cookies?
The Kid Cuisine Carnival Mini Corn Dogs
The corn tasted like ear wax, not that I’ve ever tasted ear wax, but I think I have now. The corn dogs and french fries lived up to the carnival name because they were attached to each other in a freakish kind of way. The corn dogs were soggy and the turkey frank had a somewhat sour and unusual taste that wasn’t pleasant at all. The brownie was dense and tasteless but at least I’m pretty sure it didn’t have any tree nuts in it.
The Kid Cuisine Co-Pilot Chicken Breast Nuggets
The corn looked just the same as the Carnival dinner, so I skipped it, but sadly the macaroni and cheese had the same ear wax flavor and texture. Not that I’ve ever eaten ear wax, but...oh wait, I used that already. Never mind. The chicken nugget kind of looked like a member of ZZ Top and tasted like warm breaded cotton. I’m wondering if this meal was the inspiration for this song.
And I finally figured out what Battle Cookies are...
They’re trash along with the rest of this horrible frozen food!
Frozen Food Rating (Four Is Best, One Is The Worst)
One half Mr. Freeze—I wouldn’t feed this shit to an abortion, much less an actual child!
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