So last Tuesday I was looking at some headlines on the PJ Star website and one caught my eye, it read: “The ice machine cometh to East Peoria parking lot.”
“Hmm, that has to be something more than just an article about an ice machine in a parking lot,” I thought, so I clicked and read the article. Here’s part of it pictured below:
I read the article and much to my amazement, it was just about an ice machine that’s going to be put in an East Peoria parking lot. Scott Hilyard wrote the article and it was written in kind of wide-eyed wonderment about this forthcoming ice machine. Here’s a quote from city Commissioner, Tim Jeffers: "It takes up the space of an ATM and it serves ice at all times of the day."
Huh, a machine that serves up ice all times of the day...and I’m guessing night as well. Tim certainly seems excited about this newfangled ice machine and while I hate to piss ice cubes all over your frozen water parade, Tim, check this thing out I’ve got in my apartment, and I bet you have one of these too, it’s called..."a freezer!" Take a look at mine:
And do you know what you can do inside of this freezer, Tim? You can...magically make your own ice! All day and all of the fucking night, to somewhat quote The Kinks! Check out the picture below:
It’s a whole goddamned bucket of ice I made, for free! So anyway, I was baffled that the Journal Star even devoted a single paragraph about an ice machine coming to East Peoria, but then imagine my amazement when later on in the day I glanced at the PJ Star facecrack page and saw this:
A fucking post about this goddamned ice machine! Who the fuck cares? As I mentioned and showed with photos, I can have ice for free here at home all day, all night, all week, all motherfucking year if I choose to do so! I can fill up a fucking bathtub with free frozen ice cubes and sit in it and sing Yankee Doodle Fucking Dandy till the cows come home all covered in ice cubes if I so desire! And the teaser line to the top of the post reads: “It’s basically an ATM for ice.” Well you know what? I don’t want an ATM for ice, all I want from a fucking ATM is good, sweet cash! And not to buy ice with either, as I said, I can make that shit here at home for free and it’s really not too difficult to do! You just pour water into a goddamned plastic container, put it in the fucking freezer, wait about an hour or so and presto change-o, that shit has magically become ice, right in the comfort of your own home. Oh the miracle of modern science! One other thing amazed me about this facecrack post though and check this out...
It got 330 likes and reactions on facecrack and it was shared 139 times! If ever there was a genuine “what the fuck moment,” this is it! Am I the only one who realizes that you can make this magical substance known as “ice” for free at home? I just don’t fucking get it! So I left a comment on the page and here’s what I had to say:
I felt somewhat vindicated that it got more likes than any other comment on the thread (yeah, I obsessively go back and check comments I leave to see how many “likes” it got, like you don’t!) But the post itself got over 300 “likes” and over 100 “shares.” I just don’t fucking get it. So I thought I’d turn to an expert that lives in the basement of my building. If you’ve been reading this blog regularly, you might have an idea who I’m talking about, if not, well, follow me.
Here we go down the basement hallway, right through this door to...
My good friend, Mr. Ice Machine!
Well, hello there, Mr. Ice Machine, it’s been a while, how are you doing?
Oh fuck me running! You still live here? I was praying to fucking god that you either moved, died or were homeless!
Well, that’s not very nice! Why do you always have to be like this? I just wanted to ask you about an ice machine article in the PJ Star...hey, what do you mean you were praying to god? You told me once that you were an atheist. What’s up with that?
It’s a figure of speech you fucking moron! And you prove my point that there’s no such thing as a fucking god. If there was he wouldn’t be so idiotic as to make a pathetic, brain-dead fucking asshole like you! Now why don’t you just get the fuck out of here, leave me alone and let me do something a little more fucking exciting here, like stare at this motherfucking wall!
Well, you know what, all this talk has made me kind of thirsty...now what’s the quickest way I could get some ice water around here...hmmm...
I think this might help get me something cool to drink real soon!
Hey, what the fuck are you doing over there, asshole? I’m melting, heeelp meee...
Ah, delicious! Thank you, Mr. Ice Machine, always a pleasure to see you again! We’ll see the rest of you tomorrow!
Related Posts: Two Beers At My Apartment With The Angriest Ice Machine In The World, Two Beers With A Very Rude and Somewhat Sophomoric Mr. Ice Machine and Mt. Olive—The Church of the Holy Condiment and the Angriest Ice Machine in the World.