I didn’t really care when my hair started turning gray. I was in my early forties and it’s been a slow process, in fact I’m still not completely gray, but if I was, it wouldn’t really matter to me. And when I first saw a gray hair in the nether regions (we all know where I mean) that didn’t really bother me either. There’s a lot more frightening things to see when I don’t have any clothes on, but that’s another blog, for another day. And let’s all pray that day never comes to light.
There was one area where I started to get gray hair that has deeply disturbed me though. And that’s the hair in my nose. Yes, the hair in my nose has turned gray and it’s been bugging the everloving shit out of me since I saw the first one about a year ago.
Ever since I was young I’ve obsessively trimmed my nose hair and tried to keep a clean nose (and I suppose now would be the appropriate time to add the line: “You don’t need a weatherman to know which way the wind blows,” and so there you go, Bazooka Joe.) I’ve always trimmed my nose hair right after I shave and I still recall the horror of seeing that first gray nose hair, because it looked so strange in there. It was like opening up the refrigerator and seeing the head of Alfredo Garcia instead of that Girl Scout’s head that’s been soaking in formaldehyde in the big glass jar in there for the last five years. I’m here to tell you, it was kind of unnerving.
And then more of them started springing up and eventually—the last couple of months—almost every hair in my nose is gray. And what bugs me is that even if you trim it so none of it is protruding out of the nostrils, you can still see it if you look up my nose. And what’s even worse is that it kind of looks like I have boogers housed in there like I just don’t care. And I do, care that is. As I stated earlier, I’m a firm believer in a clean nose and before I leave the house I blow my nose and do what I have to do make sure it’s a clean and smooth non-running nose.
Well, all that’s shot to shitballs, because of this gray nose hair, so there was just one thing to do. Find some sort of industrial nose hair trimmer, because you can only do so much with scissors. Well, I found something online (where else?) and I thought I’d let you accompany me as I take it on a test drive. Come along and follow my nose...
We'll do this in my bathroom, where all nose hair trimming and experiments should happen.
Obligatory bathroom mirror shot! Cheers!
It took me about twenty minutes to get this shot. Have you ever tried to take a picture of your nostrils? Let me tell you this much, just like Long John Baldry sang, it ain't easy. This is a little fuzzy, but you can see the gray matter I need to trim away.
Here's the industrial-strength nose trimmer I found online. It just came in the mail today.
It's the Panasonic Nose & Facial Hair Trimmer. I thought Panasonic made stereo equipment, but I guess since these days kids just download songs on their computers and iPads, they've ventured into the fruitful money-making world of nose hair trimmers.
The first thing I've discovered is they invest a lot in packaging. This fucking thing is impossible to open!
I ended up getting attacking it Beijing assailant knife mass murder style and finally got it opened up.
Here's the industrial nose hair trimmer out of the package. It looks pretty formidable.
Let's take a look at the directions and get this baby running.
Installing or replacing the battery...what the fuck?
Son of a boxcutting bitch, this thing needs a AA battery to run. It said nothing about being run by batteries in the ad. Well this certainly sucks monkey lungs on toast!
And so it's off into the night we go. On the car radio, Eric Clapton is singing about how he shot the sheriff, but he didn't shoot the deputy. I wrote about this on Twitter a while back that this song has always puzzled me. Okay Eric, maybe you didn't shoot the deputy, but you're still fucked five ways from Friday because you just admitted to shooting the sheriff! Sheesh!
Here we are at Huck's, I was just in here buying beer about a half an hour ago.
And here's the AA batteries. I only need one but they come in packs of four, so it looks like I can run this nose hair trimmer for quite a while on this purchase. Let's hope it works good.
Okay, we're on the road back home and now Bob Seger is on the radio singing about how he still likes that "old time rock 'n' roll." Of course he likes that old time rock 'n' roll, Because that son of a bitch is about 119-years-old by now. I'm surprised he can still hear that old time rock 'n' roll!
Okay, here we are, back at MBIP nose hair trimming headquarters with batteries in hand.
And it's back into the bathroom we go.
The AA battery has been put in place...
Houston, we have a nose hair trimmer. All systems are go.
I have to admit I'm a little scared to put this thing in my nose.
Let's double check the directions before we begin. Hey, that guy looks kind of like comedian David Steinberg. Has his career fallen so low that he's stooped to posing for nose hair art? So sad!
Here we go...
I jumped the first time I put it in my nostril. It makes a loud sound when it hits and trims the nose hair, it sounds like rain hitting the top of a rusty trailer rooftop. And I know that sound, because my brother once lived in a rusty trailer in Carbondale and I used to visit him and when it would rain it would sound just like this nose hair trimmer that is now trimming my nose hair. Memories...
As you can see, this is serious business.
Check it out, the gray is completely gone, this thing has taken like twenty years off of my nostrils!
I love it and highly recommend this nose hair trimmer. If your nose hair is out of hand, you can buy one here and this is not a paid endorsement. Oh god, how I wish it was!
I give it one thumb up, all the way up my right nostril. We'll see you all tomorrow!
Further Reading: AskMen, Urban Daily and Men’s Health.
Bonus Photo of Jaws the Cabbie's Toilet: WARNING, if you're eating or don't feel like getting sick, don't look at this! Okay, you've been warned, scroll down if you so desire!
The other day, after my Public Toilet Alert at Schnucks, MBIP contributor, commenter and pal, Jaws the Cabbie left this comment:
“You're an imaginative cook Marty, and that looked pretty good...I'll have to try that myself sometime. You wouldn't want to go anywhere near my toilet... the Department of Homeland Security would like to put me away 'cause they took one look and they thought I was trying to grow me some ebola in there...”
And so I replied back:
“@Jaws the Cabbie: Thanks, Jaws, they were really good! If you have the guts to take a picture of your toilet, I'll have the guts to post it. An MBIP challenge has just been thrown down!”
Well, Jaws accepted the challenge and he sent this photo in last night. I never thought I’d see a toilet more scary than the one in the Mars Bar, but congratulations, Jaws, you just won the most frightening toilet award ever! Thanks for sending this in...I think!
(All together now:) AAAAHHHHHHHHHH!
UPDATE: Jaws just sent in this updated movie style photo of the aforementioned toilet. Once again, Thanks, Jaws...I think!
