Well my schedule caught up with me this week and I didn’t have time to do the semi-weekly Fast Food Friday episode. I just reviewed the former posts and I’ve done nine of these so far, so I thought I’d post a listing and synopsis of each episode from the past and so here we go!
The Best
Steak ‘n Shake
Publication date and link: March 9th, 2018 • Link to original post
Photos and highlights from the post
Maybe Steak ‘n Shake is trying to prove that they’re not really fast food at all, because this service is slower than a geriatric slug crawling through quicksand!
This is so delicious! It’s tastier and more satisfying than eating a hot caramel sundae off of Barbi Benton’s tits and if you don’t know who Barbi Benton is, well check her out here.
Here she is with the whole monkey family and that bird behind me reminds me of that fucking bird at the Bronx Zoo! I hated that fucking bird! Oh...wait, where were we? Oh, the Chili Crack...it’s delicious!
Noodles & Company
Publication date and link: Dcember 15, 2017 • Link to original post.
Photos and highlights from the post
I thought this week I’d go somewhere and get something that actually looks and sounds edible for a change and the place I’ve chosen is Noodles & Company.
This is one of the best fast-food meals I’ve ever had! I actually ate the whole portion for a change!
It’s not as funny when the food is actually edible and I apologize to Mikey C. for the lack of a Friday vomit-inducing review, so I’ll look for something disgusting next week!
Panda Express
Publication date and link: December 1, 2017 • Link to original post
Photos and highlights from the post
So today we're going to Panda Express and order some Panda and see what it tastes like. It’ll probably taste like...chicken!
I’ll admit that I knew from the beginning that they didn’t really serve Panda at Panda Express, but I was just doing it as a goof and I was impressed at how Yami handled this. She was really nice about everything and even posed for this photo.
I was a little sad that you can’t get Panda at Panda Express, but I loved how Yami handled the whole thing and the food was actually pretty good!
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The Worst
These examples below are the reason I’m not a fan of fast food. Some of this food is downright hideous and it’s beyond me how people can scarf this shit down! Hold on to your stomachs because here we go!
KFC Vs. Popeyes
Publication date and link: April 6, 2018 • Link to original post
Photos and highlights from the post
I’ve been waiting for Popeyes to open to do the first ever Fast Food Clucked-Up Showdown! Scroll on down, come on, don’t be chicken!
Later I came to the realization that this man was someone who probably had cruel sex with his army of chickens. He had that sick look of a real mother clucker fucker. I’ve been repulsed by him ever since so let’s just move along before I get sick.
Yikes, there’s just no escape from this evil chicken clucker fucker!
Okay, there’s hair on my chicken
You know what? Forget these two chain gang fast food places and get your fried chicken fix at Agatucci’s! They have some of the best homemade fried chicken in Peoria, check out this post here.
KFC
Publication date and link: April 6, 2018 • Link to original post
Photos and highlights from the post
Suffice it to say that this food has a shit-ton of fat and sodium in it and it’s about as healthy as eating a brimming bowl of ass cancer topped off with two scoops of dirt from John Keats’ grave.
It only took three minutes which is pretty fast, but did you see how bright the fucking sun is today? It’s brighter than a precocious child overdosing on Ritalin and that’s just one of the many things I hate about this time of day that some people refer to as, “daytime.”
It was like eating nothing but the sight of the shiny diarrhea mucus jelly made me realize that this was like eating an episode of Seinfeld that had a bad intestinal problem combined with a cold.
So if you enjoy salt, grease and chicken fat, congratulations, you’ve hit the taste bud lottery.
Burger King
Publication date and link: January 12, 2018 • Link to original post
Photos and highlights from the post
Those onion rings look soggy and limp and that sauce underneath them looks like a mixture from a blood bank and a sperm donor. When I looked underneath the chicken patty it was pure sperm.
Also the sandwich really looks horrific after you take a couple bites into it. It looks like a deep-fried large intestine operation gone horribly wrong.
If you like salt and a sandwich that resembles a surgical nightmare, then by all means, try the Burger King Rodeo Crispy Chicken Sandwich.
Long John Silvers
Publication date and link: December 8, 2017 • Link to original post
Photos and highlights from the post
That sickening creamy mixture is what Long John Silver’s calls “Baja Sauce.” To me it looks like vegetarian vomit scooped from a river of rancid mucus. The smell of this thing is not pleasant at all.
It made me think of a deep-fried sewer system that hasn’t been flushed for decades.
The taste is horrific and the after-taste is even worse and it just keeps multiplying after you swallow it. It tastes like Charlie the Tuna’s abortion and I know that Charlie couldn’t have had an abortion because he’s Charlie the Tuna, not Charlotte the Tuna...but still...it tastes like Charlie The Tuna’s abortion.
Arby’s
Publication date and link: November 24, 2017 • Link to original post
Photos and highlights from the post
All in all it looks like a salad gone horribly wrong with a pile of albino diarrhea plopped next to it. Not very appetizing whatsoever.
This is truly barf at first bite!
It tastes like a combination of a rancid pickle and a wet fart. What’s really disturbing is that as you eat it, a yellow liquid drips out of the end of the gyro like it’s taking a piss on the plate.
Between the albino diarrhea turkey mixture and the piss dripping out of the sandwich it’s like eating Edgar Winter’s three day old Depends diaper.
There is nothing good to be said about this disgusting and vile turkey gyro and now I’ve got the song, “Frankenstein” stuck in my head! Motherfucker!
McDonald’s
Publication date and link: November 24, 2017 • Link to original post
Photos and highlights from the post
I’ve had all the standard McDonald’s sandwiches through the years, but the one thing I’ve never ordered from their menu is the Filet-O-Fish sandwich. So I thought that would be a great place to start this new Friday series!
The fish filet looks like a giant square scab and I guess that’s tarter sauce leaking out of the sandwich but it kind of looks like this fishy sandwich is having a wet dream.
My fear of the sandwich looking like a scab has come true in my mouth as it feels like you’re biting into a three day old wound. The inside of the filet feels like you're chewing on a birth control sponge and it tastes like a combination of a the bottom of an aquarium that hasn't been cleaned for 57 weeks and the potted plant that Harvey Weinstein jerked off onto.
The only redeeming thing about this god-awful, McHorrible sandwich is that if you accidentally swallow poison it’s a guaranteed vomit-inducing tool.
Related Posts: See the above links.